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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."