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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.