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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married