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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?