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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Three things Iām thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now