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It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.