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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.