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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.