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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.