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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.