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Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My favorite beer is the next one.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.