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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.