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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.