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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
The word bed looks like a bed.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.