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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink