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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.