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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)