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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.