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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.