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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.