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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?