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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again