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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea