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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.