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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Iād like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you