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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.