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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.