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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Do angry people know about naps?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.