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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.