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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)