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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…