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Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!