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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.