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I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Hold boobs not grudges.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.