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Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.