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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.