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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.