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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.