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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking