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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?