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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Siri, where are my pants?
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.