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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
The older I get the better I used to be.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.