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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store