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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.