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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I laugh in the face of normal.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.