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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
pudding... thats always a funny word
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.