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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
i hate that the sun comes up so early
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.