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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.