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Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Don`t waste my timeline.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.