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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.