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My train of thought is loco, no motive.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.