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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.