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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.