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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
Find someone you`re good at.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball