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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.