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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.