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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?