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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.