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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.