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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.