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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.