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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.