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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I just ran a .003048K
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.