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I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Mondays are middle finger approved
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.