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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.