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Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.