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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.