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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it