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Vodka is just amazing water.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.