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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.