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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.