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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
pudding... thats always a funny word
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?