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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Life is fun! You should get one.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener