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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.