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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.