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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
drinks well with others.