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I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red