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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.