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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).