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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?