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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.