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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.