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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".