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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.