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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."