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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.