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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.