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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.