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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Condoms prevent minivans.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.