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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink