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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.