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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.