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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
So much to do and so few alibis.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.