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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I only accept apologies in cash.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
My favorite beer is an open one.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.