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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.