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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.