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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Iām glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.